


the same damn hunger (to be touched to be loved to feel anything at all)

by Buttercup_ghost



Category: Scandal (TV)
Genre: Borderline Personality Disorder, Character Study, Dysfunctional Relationships, F/F, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Introspection, Relationship Study, They should have fucking ended up together what the fuck, a rerun is on and im just, you guys are gay? Bitch?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-16
Updated: 2018-07-16
Packaged: 2019-06-11 07:50:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15310857
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Buttercup_ghost/pseuds/Buttercup_ghost
Summary: no matter if the vice was power or love, it was all the same.





	the same damn hunger (to be touched to be loved to feel anything at all)

When mellie says she loves him, words about colors and sounds, olivia tried not to cry. She smiles, tight lip like always, even as her glassy eyes search her face. She wants it to be a lie, to be a fluke—something desperate, just another example of her clinging on to tightly, at any sign of love. Mel has done it before, pathetic and depraved. 

(Olivia pope is a hypocrite, and the thought makes her smile; bitter. She’s never claimed any different.)

(She doesn't think she ever loved jake, only the idea of him. The idea of love, as elusive as smoke, for her. She could light a cigarette and create it, watch it rise up between her fingers. Never catching it, though, in her hands like she wished. The aching her her lungs reminds her its a drug.)

(Mellie had wine, and she had obsessions—no matter if the vice was power or love, it was all the same. Unhealthy.)

She breaks them up. Just like shes done before, a body dead on the ground—sone thing she knows she’d do again, _will_ do again. If she didn’t, mel would slip from her grasp and shatter on the ground. She needs her. She’ll see in time.

(In truth, it's Olivia who needs her.)

She’ll see, realize, one day—that she’s always been there, lurking. She’s always been by her side, in the end. If only she’d   _look_.

In the early days, olivia would wonder what drove her towards the office. She wasn't stupid—wasnt so foolish as to think her affair was anything more, anything wise. Oh, she loved him; that was for sure. But she knew if given the choice between her career and him, hed never win. So why did she always find her way back?

Maybe it was her. The smell of her hair; the tight lipped smile on her face; blue eyes that peirced olivias soul. It was something. It was attraction. It lead her to study her face like the stars, looking upon every crease and smile line, matching with the stress ones she sported on her forhead. Maybe she came beacuse she knew, even as mellies lips pulled upwards, she had never seen her smile.

It was ridiculous, that she thought no one had chosen her.

(It was olivia no one chose; not her mother, not her father, not fitz, and certainly not herself.)

(What hope did she have, that mellie would choose her, then? What else could she do, but stare after her, the elevator doors closing like a death sentence?)

(She claimed, selfishly, to her heart—that she had done it to save mellie. To stop her from doing the very mistakes she had.)

(The truth is, as mellie said they were done, the only thing Olivia could think was _please don't go_.)

(She bit her tounge to stop herself from saying she loved her.)

( _Weak_ , her fathers voice echos in her head, _letting your emotions get the better of you.)_

_(You cant love, olivia. Youre not that kind of person.)_

 

 

 

And when mellie asks her to stay, years later, at the end of it all, she shakes her head no. She wants to chose her, to shake and cry and _breakdown_ , but the very thought of tears just reminds her of unpleasantries.

(A room she was locked it, the tears that fell when she wondered if  ~~mellie~~ fitz would come for her, the familar feelng of anger when he did.)

(Another room, this time with furnature, no longer painful and white. Her own gladiators turning against her, her voice shaking as she realized _she didn’t know what to do._ Maybe she never had.)

And she leaves, turning her back on her, even as her hands shake.

(Mellie had already chosen, after all. And the choice wasn’t liv.)

(It never really was.)

**Author's Note:**

> Ive only seem some eps of scandal all out of order and disjointed so forgive me if i got anything wrong idhdks...


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